Family Movie Night

Life with boys is not what I expected when I decided to become a mom - sure, I knew I couldn't choose my kids' gender, but I was convinced I could raise my kids in a neutral way AND fulfill my maternal fantasies. So I couldn't frenchbraid their hair, but I could read them the Little House books - wrong, they preferred Captain Underpants. I bought them dolls and stuffed animals - they used the toys as guns. I'm gradually learning it's hard-wired, no matter how hard I try.
And it's not like ours is a macho, athletic household. My kids don't know anything about sports - we won box seats to a Giants' game, and they were more interested in the cotton-candy vendor than the action. (Other than Ben noticing a typical Barry Bonds move, not really hustling to run for a potential single, and very loudly he piped up, "That guy there isn't very good!") Ben takes drum lessons, David does theater and takes dance class, but they still have a boys' sense of humor, no matter how hard I try to be a civilizing influence. For example, David has invented a game where he tacks on an inappropriate phrase to the end of the title of songs from musicals. (His current favorite is adding " . . . in my pants" to classic musicals like Damn Yankees, so you get "Whatever Lola Wants, Lola Gets . . . in my pants", and so on.) (Okay, I shouldn't laugh, but I've got to give him credit for an originality!)
Our recent family movie night was a great illustration of life in a boy-dominated household. We couldn’t agree which t.v. movie to watch, because I wanted Steel Magnolias (southern women bonding in the beauty parlor with great sarcastic oneliners!), but the boys preferred Alien Resurrection (the REALLY violent one in the series, where a cloned Sigourney Weaver gives birth to the ultimate monster child, and saves the world with Winona Ryder as an android). We ended up compromising by flipping back & forth between the two, which produced a hybrid I called "Magnolia Resurrection" -
"Ripley? You’re alive? I guess this means I’ll have to kill you."
"If you can’t say anything nice about anyone, come sit next to me!"
"Keep away from me, you disgusting slimy alien ."
"Ewww, that woman needs some serious lycra on those thighs . . . . "
"What are we gonna do? The aliens are escaping!"
"That boy is so confused he don’t know whether to scratch his watch or wind his butt!"

I decided to put the movie hybrid idea into my comedy show, but when I told the boys they immediately corrected me and said, "No, mom, what would be really funny is a movie called 'Alien Erection'. . . .". (I'll leave the ensuring gestures and sound effects to your imagination.) Meanwhile, I'm going to go re-read Little Women and see if the neighbor's daughter will let me do her hair . . . .

Boys' Town

As the lone female surrounded by males (3 boys - my 2 sons and my husband), it's a struggle to preserve even a bit of civility. Oh sure, I insist they open doors for me, I make them help me in the kitchen, but to give you an idea of the testosterone overload around here, their favorite game is Dodgeball In The Dark, where they go in the backyard and throw things at each other. Yesterday was a good snapshot of the dynamic in our house: We wanted to watch different movies on t.v., so we compromised by going back and forth between Alien Resurrection and Steel Magnolias. Five minutes of female bonding and lines like "My personal problems will not interfere with my ability to do good hair!", then five minutes of flamethrowers and slimy monsters with dripping tentacles. (Although in a way, both movies dealt with maternal love . . . .)

You might wonder why we didn't just watch our respective movies on different televisions - as my boys will tell anyone, we are the only neanderthals in the world who don't have a second t.v. (I didn't want one in the boys' rooms or the living room, and then my husband read somewhere that couples without a t.v. in the bedroom have more sex, so that was it for us!) Besides, having just one set is so much more educational: I got to watch Sigourney Weaver bond with her alien spawn, and the boys got to hear Dolly Parton say, "That boy is so confused, he doesn't know whether to scratch his watch or wind his butt!"